One Year -- The BIG Year

So right now it's 9:52PM, Wednesday August 6th, 2008. I'm at the computer, debating whether I should shower this early or not, because tomorrow morning I have to leave for work by 8 and try to avoid the idiots at TITS when I attempt to go home at 6.

Anyways, I spent the day looking at colleges and application requirements and whatnot. I've got it narrowed down to SAIC, TFC, Drexel, and Cornell, with UB as my back-up. I'm super stressed, you know. Dad will pay all the application fees, but this is it. This is the LAST YEAR of taking it easy. Then I'm leaving and going away (if I can even get in to those schools) and it'll be time for no more jokes and serious studying. What college(s) did you get accepted to?

Are you as nervous and anxious as I am now? Or are you worse? I imagined I would be sobbing at the end of the year, so did you? Are you? I have plans to make some incredible movies and films, like that French film, and the Thank You Card movie. Some sort of dream compilation, as well. Did any of those get made?

I weigh 194 pounds and 2 ounces right now. My goal was get at least to the 160 region by graduation, for a slow goal. For a fast goal, to the 140's. Did you make it? Are your breasts smaller than they are right now? If they get smaller, I think I'll cry for that.

I keep saying I'll quit my job at the library, but I really don't want to when I keep thinking about how easy it is to keep the job and all the benefits I get for working there. I just wish I had more time to film and do homework. The job is suffocating me because they won't let me take two or three hours off my schedule, when I'm not even supposed to be working as many hours as I do. Did you ever switch to Pop or Children's? Or get your hours lessened? Or did you get that high paying job at Lasertron?

Rachel is pretty distant right now because of her stupid involvement with Dylan. I swear, I'll get so pissed at her if she fucks up her junior year because of Dylan's influence on her. I can't do anything to Dylan, and Mike can't stand Rachel now, so he won't back me up. Rachel won't listen to Seb, and I absolutely refuse to ask him for help.

We're at a civil discussion kind of position, but I honestly know that it's only because he doesn't have a cell phone, so I can't call him to ask if he wants to hang out. My biggest fear at this point with him is that I'll turn back into the girl I was last year with him, and I've grown too much to revert.

Prom! I've been designing a prom dress that's turquoise, hot pink, and black, with a lot of grommet straps and stripes and hook/eye clips. Did you go to prom? Did you wear something other than the design I created?

So far, I've been alcohol, drug, and sex-free, so did something happen to alter that? Are you pregnant? A pot-head? Addicted to cigarettes? Has your social life improved at all? I know Kim is still obsessively calling me and Brittany wants to hang out all the time. Mike only calls when he has a problem, Rachel forgot about me pretty much entirely. Anne and I talked recently and I can only hope she and her boyfriend stay together for a long time, and we rebuild our friendship. So are we friends? Does she still have her boyfriend? I hope so.

Oh, and Dad is getting me Invisaline. Are your teeth straighter yet?

Kim kind of pushed Jay and I together, but we aren't dating yet. Kim says once they get back from camping, Jay is going to ask me. If I say yes (which I'll most likely end up doing) then are you and Jay still together? Is he a senior as well, or a junior, because I don't know now. I know his younger brother graduated already, and would hate me and never talk to me again if he found out I was dating the brother who he can't stand. Oh well, he's just like Seb, anyways.

Uncle Joe, Mr. Newman, and the Roller Derby Girls (Sam) have me ordered up to make documentaries and business videos and whatnot for them. I haven't talked to the guy from channel 7, but if I score an internship there, especially a paid internship, you can bet I'm leaving the library. Did any of that stuff happen?

My hair is black and brown and red and blonde and pink. What color is yours? I have a third piercing and a first piercing on my left ear, and one through three on the right. Any more on you? Or any less? Did you ever get that tattoo? Remember, go with the facial freckles if you can stand to. Those will be beautiful.

And what about contacts? Colored? I'm thinking green right now, so did you get them?

Mom's still not better, Dad and I are pretty close now, and Danny proposed to Gabby and are supposedly moving in together in a month. Did anything happen at all? Mom is worse, right? And Dad and you are super close, maybe he's even crying? I can picture him doing that, his little girl with lost weight and straighter teeth and great academics and now, officially, a college-girl. Dad, I really fucking love you, and YOU better tell him that today. Like, RIGHT NOW go tell him, and give him a huge ass hug! Danny is still his arrogant, hilarious self, right? Please tell me Gabby is still romantically involved with him, and they're happy and going to get married still. I really wish for their happiness together as a married couple. They're perfect for one another. They really are. And I hope mom gets better. Is she? Probably not. The only thing in my life I seriously couldn't ever change, her health.

My biggest fear right now is missing THAT opportunity, so follow your instinct. Your gut has NEVER been wrong before, so don't you DARE let that damn brain get in the way. Your gut says go, you better fucking go. It says stay, you had better fucking stay. Lose the weight, straighten your teeth, gain some confidence, and don't you DARE DARE DARE lower your standards for anything. I can't admit it to anyone, hardly to myself right now, but you make work that is inspirational and innovative and beautiful and complex, and if it doesn't get you somewhere, there's nothing wrong with you or your work, but the people of the world. You make things that people could only dream of making, and you WILL be the next big thing, just like Mr. Vafai says all the time.

And speaking of Mr. Vafai, you'd better NEVER forget him for all the shit he's done to save your ass and get you everywhere you've gone. You keep in touch, you hug him so hard before you leave and you cry WITH him and tell him you love him (not in a romantic way, stupid!) for everything he's done and for being the only person to really turn you into who you are, because if it weren't for him, you wouldn't have even made it into the school, and you'd be lonely and friendless and suicidal going to AHS.

But you're now officially better than every single one of them. Congratulations, you achieved your real goal since you began high school. Give a big hug and kiss to Karma for everything she's done. A meaningful one, because there is no sarcasm where she is concerned.

So now I leave you with all that has been said, with the hopes that you're now a full-fledged adult, all grown up at your 17 years and just-short-of-ten months. So congratulations, we made it! Now go on and sob, because your overemotional dumb ass has probably been holding it in this whole letter.

I love you as we are now, and I love you as the us we will be on June 26, 2009, 11AM. Nothing will disappoint us. Now go on, our destiny awaits.

:)